Self Care and Kindness

K: I want you to always know that you are loved, no matter what.

O: No matter what?

K: Always. 

I am not always very kind to myself.  I am generally the last one on my own list.  I will often catch myself spiraling downward into a deep well of negative self-talk. I say things to myself I would never say to anyone else.  I hold myself to a standard that I would never apply to anyone else.   I am often very unkind.  

Somewhere along the way, it struck me. I should work to treat myself with the same love, kindness, and compassion that I reserve for my children, that the benefit of the doubt I extend to strangers is something that I also deserve, that role modeling forgiveness and self care is important and valuable.  

I'm really trying to remember that. You should too.  

Kids Are Gross

O: It's okay, momma.  I don't need a tissue. I can use my shirt!

Today, I found

a half eaten apple in my bed,

at least a tablespoon of sesame seeds ground into my kitchen rug,

paint splatters on the wall in the living room,

three and a half pairs of sand-filled shoes on the dining room floor,

a mysterious, grey and brown smear on the wall behind the toy basket,

and a sippy cup of what used to be milk under the couch. 

Geez, kid, get it together

I have wiped butts, noses, and hands, and the hands were the grossest of the three.  I have been sneezed at, peed on, and licked.  I have made them beautiful meals, only to turn my back for a minute to discover that they have poured the milk over their fish, or dropped hunks of mashed potato into their cup of water, creating some inedible, unholy stew that I will later have to scrape off of their tiny, brightly colored dishes.  

Don't let that sweet face fool you. GROSS.

There is a smell in the car that I am afraid to investigate. 

Once, P actually blew her nose directly into my mouth.  Please don't ask about the logistics. Just know, it happened.  

God, they are gross. The grossest.  

So gross

Kid Made Modern Art

O: I'm going to paint you a story. 

I went to Target to buy dog food, Elmer's glue, and some paper, and came out with a new pair of sweat pants, two tank tops, and a cart full of new art supplies, like you do.   They were so shiny and looked so full of possibilities, I just couldn't turn them down.  

I did, also, get the dog food.

We rummaged through the junk drawer for bottle caps, wine corks, and other bits and bobs to use as makeshift stamps for the large ink pads.  We scribbled and scrawled with the diamond shaped crayons.  

O marveled at how many shades of green her new paint set contained, enough to paint every leaf in the whole world a different color.  It is so easy to forget the beauty of a heavy, textured, blank piece of paper, the possibilities that it can contain.  

All of the supplies, including that exquisite blank piece of paper, are from a company called Kid Made Modern. They are high quality and reasonably priced.  They withstood the afternoon and have been lovingly tucked away for our next creative binge. I especially appreciate how beautiful, streamlined, and functional the packaging and supplies are.  The bold colors and simple forms lend themselves to freeform creativity. There is no need for instruction or guidance.  The beauty of the tools is inspiration enough.

No one asked about Winnie the Pooh, the location of the iPad, or the possibility of an extra snack, all afternoon.  That alone feels like a victory.  

Spring Cleaning

O: We can give those stuffed friends away to another family that will cuddle them.  

It is officially spring, and somehow, here in Los Angeles, that means it has been greyer and colder than this winter ever managed to be.  We are in the middle of a great clear-out and clean-up: tossing out, donating, and scrubbing. 

helpers

It feels good to start fresh, shedding the layers of dirt and clutter.  It feels good to role-model the importance of letting go of things that are no longer useful, to teach, by example, how you can hold a moment in your heart while letting go of the physical manifestation of that moment.

I held in my hands today, the clothes that each of my children wore when we brought them home from the hospital.  O's was a tiny newborn onesie, striped with green.  I remember how her skinny arms barely filled out the long sleeves.  I had purchased a grey, long-sleeved newborn outfit for P, but it never would have fit her and was much too warm for the early August heat. P came home in a plain, white, cotton onesie, sized three months.  I let go of a lot today.  

I kept those two onesies.   

A Birthday

O: Dearest Mommy, I hope you know that you are the everyday best especially on your birthday. Looooooove, O.

my favorite birthday card ever

In the past 32 years,  I have had 2 children, been loved and supported by 6 parents, celebrated 7 years of marriage to the best partner anyone could imagine.  I have done 28 shows and learned at least one important thing from each one.   I have made more friends than I can count, and I can count my dearest of friends on one hand.  I have loved and been loved.  I am infinitely grateful for that.  

we still aren't too old for kissy-face selfies, or if we are we don't care

Today is the 32nd anniversary of my birth, but it no longer strikes me as being just my birthday.  I understand now, how deeply I share the day with someone else.  

my mom and my baby

Happy Birthday, mom. Thank you.  

Birthday Cake: A Sunday Guest Blog

O:  I want to have the first taste so it won't taste yuck!

This is O and P's Dad. No, I haven't hijacked Not Sure How Today Ends, but rather this is a guest post in honor of Kate's birthday next week.

Since Kate was rehearsing and performing all day Saturday, I had the chance to conspire with my children to come up with the perfect birthday celebration. P thinks we should celebrate by eating bananas all day. O thinks we need fancy decorations and round balloons. The long skinny balloons that we actually have in the house have not been deemed to carry the appropriate celebratory weight. I think as long as we celebrate together as a family, Kate will be happy.

So, here's the compromise we arranged. O and P made birthday cards and once P went to bed, O and I baked a cake. It is not a fancy cake. It came from a box. But it was a box that O selected at the market, and it was easy enough that an almost-four-year-old, and a baking-challenged father, could complete with relative success in the hour before bedtime. Fortunately, we had strawberries in the refrigerator. I didn't realize frosting wasn't included in the box so I had to  convince O that cut strawberries mixed with sugar make a sweet, syrupy topping that is WAAAAAY better than frosting. Come to think of it, maybe it really is.

Where the $%@# is the frosting? Come on, it's shown on the box!

Anyway, happy birthday, Kate! You are loved.

Daddy Bedtime

O: Daddy, let's play knights of the shining armor.  

I've been in rehearsal or doing a show for the past two months and I just started rehearsal for a new show, so I'll be on the same schedule for the next two months.  Most nights during the week, I'm not here for bedtime.  

O & P, you are welcome. He's basically the best.

Bedtime has become Jim's domain.  Evidently, after P goes to sleep, he and O enter a magical fantasy world with dragons, knights, and pillow forts.  I hope, when I'm all done, I'll be invited too. 

I love working.  I love having a creative space. I love having actual conversations with adults. I love knowing that the girls are with Jim and that they are having pajama-clad adventures in our living room.  I don't love missing playing knights of the shining armor.  I don't love missing the soft, sweet smell of P's breath as she falls asleep in my arms.  When I get home, they are already asleep, breathing softly.  I don't love that.  

A Mommy Blerg: A Promise

O: I promise I won't forget to love you forever, ever never again. 

(The above quote is a complete fabrication.  Nothing resembling that sentence has ever issued from O's mouth)

I have ambivalent feelings about blogging, especially being a "mommy blogger." Yet, as this project continues I am buoyed by everyone's kind words and positive feedback.  When I first started considering sharing my writing and my life in this way, I began keeping a list of things I would not do, things this blog would not become.  So here are my promises, to myself and to you.

1. I promise I will write in complete and grammatically correct sentences.  When I don't, it will be a specific choice because of style or tone, or a proof reading error, so blame Jim.

2. I promise I will never call anybody DH, DD1, or DD2.  I will never be TTC or EBF. If something makes me laugh, I will describe, with language, how I fell to the floor and rolled with glee.  

DD2 is so cute it makes me want to ROTFL, or something like that

3. I won't rant, not because ranting isn't fun, but because this isn't the forum for it.  That is what late nights on the couch with Jim and a bottle of wine are for.  

4. I won't pad out a list.  If I only have four things to share, I won't restate one to get to five. 

5. My lists will only contain information that I want to share one time. (I just couldn't resist. I'm not proud)

6. I won't overshare.  This is tricky, because by some people's standards I already have. Just know that anything I do choose to share will be shared mindfully and with forethought. 

7. I won't try to sell you anything.  If I share about a service or a product, it will only be because we use that product and it genuinely makes our lives easier/better/more fun.

seriously, though, this is the best lunch box ever

8. I will use my own images.  I won't load a post with a bunch of open-source, uninteresting pictures.  I have a fancy new camera.  I am trying to learn how to use it.  

oooh, a fancy picture of a basketball that I took all by myself

9. I won't invent O quotes. If a blog post starts with a quote from the kids, I promise, they said it.

 "Though she be but little, she is fierce."

-Billy Shakespeare, regarding P

10. I won't turn my post titles into click-bait. I Got My Kids To Sleep Twelve Hours in Their Own Beds: click here to find out how.  

Is there anything you hate about blogs, or anything that you would like to see more of?

Growth Spurt

O: It is time to go to sleep, P, so you can grow big and strong like sissy. 

O went to bed and woke up an inch taller.  Her shoes don't fit anymore and her pants are too short.  She can't even shimmy into her most recent bathing suit.  She leaned out and shot up, her sweet round face morphing over night into the face of a girl instead of my baby.  

She was walking away from me, and I saw in her gait, her length, her shape, the adult O, striding into the rest of her life, with my hair,  her father's calves, and a confidence entirely her own.  

When Jim sends me pictures of P via text, I first think that it must be O, with pudgy knees and fluffy hair, until I enlarge the thumbnail and find, my newborn there, looking all too much like a toddler.  I swear, she was just born a minute ago. Or was it a year? Or was it nearly two?  

Stop it.  Both of you.  I need a chance to catch my breath, to catch up.  I feel like I'm missing all of it. Just stop it.  Okay?

Shake, Rattle, Roll, Repeat

O: I missed it.  I missed the earth shake. 

We had an earthquake this week, a pretty good shake.  O slept through it and P was eating a banana and therefore, barely noticed. We live right at the epicenter, so while family and friends who live relatively close by barely registered it, we certainly felt it.  It was not the biggest quake I've ever experienced, I grew up here and remember Northridge, but it was the first time I can remember that an earthquake really scared me.  I lay in bed afterwards wondering, if this had been the big one, or if it was a precursor to the big one, what would we do, where would we go?

We are prepared.  We have supplies and water in a safe spot.  We know how to turn off the main gas line.  We have a point of contact outside of California that all of our family knows to get in touch with in case we can't call within the state.  We have a spot, a local park, where we would meet if we were separated and  our home wasn't safe. Still, it is different, somehow, with two tiny people.  The idea that my arms holding them wouldn't be enough to keep them safe keeps me up at night.  There will be another one, it is only a matter of time.  

planning to add some toys and basic art supplies to our home and car kit 

This weekend, we are going to check all of our supplies, pull them out, replace what might need replacing and add a bottle of whiskey for good measure.  This rumble was a good reminder.  We live on a living planet.  There are things we can do to be ready when she sneezes.  

Here is a list of resources that Jim (code name: Captain Safety) used to help put together our home and car emergency kits and some resources on teaching children about earthquake safety:

United States Geological Survey: Talking to kids about earthquake safety

Seven Steps to Earthquake Safety: What to do before, during and after an earthquake

List of Recommended Items for a Basic Emergency Kit

Our Pre-packed Emergency Kit -We purchased a kit from this company for a family of four, but we have supplemented it with other things from the resources above.